“The Gap” Concept

What of any of us has not experienced at one time or another, the feeling of being anxious about something?  I (Rachel) would invite you to be curious and let that normal human experience open up a relatable conversation about a specific kind of anxiety that you or someone you care about may be experiencing.   I have had my own (ongoing) 20 + year journey with a hidden condition and am also a counselor who now clinically treats others with this same condition.  I am both a sufferer and a helper passionate about addressing both groups as I share from my personal and professional experiences.  Out of my own journey with this hidden condition of OCD (and treatment with my own counselor) came the concept and experience of “the gap” and is a way that I often describe the condition of OCD, especially to those who may not be aware of this hidden condition (especially the kinds of OCD I speak about) or may have hesitancy around using the mental health diagnostic term of OCD.

Have you ever felt a nagging sense of doubt?  A nagging sense of doubt about something that is really important to you?  Do you feel a sense of urgency that you need to be 100% certain about that one thing?  Does it feel incredibly irresponsible or terrifying to NOT do that thing whether it be an external action or an internal thought to analyze?  Or maybe this dynamic inside of you has become so normal to you that you do not think anything of it.  You just thought that that is how life is supposed to be, even how life as a responsible citizen or a responsible Christian is supposed to be.  This surely must be the normal experience of responsible people or of believers who are really seeking after Jesus and truly care about following Him and caring for others. 

There might be an agonizing tension between who you think you should be and what you actually are.  Or there is a nagging question or doubt that does not seem to have 100% certainty. Maybe it is terrifying and gripping or sometimes maybe it is like that quiet dripping faucet in the kitchen that is either so ongoing that it has become “normal” to you or is slowly driving you crazy. 

You might sometimes wonder why your mind is always busy.  It’s exhausting to always be questioning something about yourself because of a thought that you have.  You feel bad about the possibility that you could actually be that bad based on a thought that you have about yourself or another.  It’s the constant feeling of trying to fill “the Gap” of uncertainty—a Gap between who you think you should be and who you fear that you are or a Gap of uncertainty around something that is really important to you, all of which leave you on a desperate quest to fill it.   

It may feel irresponsible to not fill the Gap between who you are or who you think you should be or to not make something 100% certain that is so important- like your relationship with God or others or an experience involving your or others’ safety. It actually feels necessary, if not compelling or urgent. The only way to be safe is to fill it.  The only way to be responsible is to fill it.  The only way to be certain is to fill it.  We may try to “fill” it by convincing ourselves that we are not that bad, that we really would not or have not committed that action.  We try to fill it by reassuring ourselves or seeking reassurance from others.  We try to fill it by confessing sins, praying a certain prayer (again), analyzing, and doubting if we have said or done the right thing or if we have hurt someone or not or if we are even really Christians or not.  We try to fill it with being responsible and certain in our own minds.  We may even try to fill it by punishing ourselves, even if that punishment is just self-condemnation, because how terrible must we be if we had *that* thought *again*.   We try to self-atone through our never-ending attempts to fix ourselves or make ourselves “right”—because we never actually feel “right” and can’t ever truly rest.  

You may also fill the Gap by trying to perfectly get rid of that thought to close that Gap, even if the relief is only temporary. There is an intrusive thought or emotion that now something inside of you is saying you have to do something about in order to make it right. This thought intrudes.  Over time as you try to get rid of it, it then becomes stuck and will not go away no matter how much you try.  In fact, often it seems like the more you try to get rid of the thought or “take the thought captive,” the more entrapped you become.  There is now a continual loop and cycle in your mind that you feel enslaved to.  You now experience doubt and uncertainty potentially around something that is the most precious to you, and this fills you with an incredible amount of shame.  You then feel responsible to DO something to get rid of or least try to lessen that feeling of doubt, uncertainty, or shame and will do whatever it takes to get rid of it— “take a thought captive,” confess a sin (or was it a sin? But maybe it was!), journal, go to counseling (and seek reassurance there), talk to or seek reassurance from a friend, spouse, pastor, etc. But you are beginning to find that it seems like this endless vicious cycle and that it is never ever enough.  It might seem like a trick birthday candle that gets blown out only to come back. 

Out of the gate, let’s be real about what kinds of thoughts we humans are actually having. For example, you have a sexual thought or image or urge or doubt about having sex or touching someone or being attracted to someone who is not your spouse (or maybe you are not married). You wonder what that means about you- would you actually commit adultery?  Am I a pedophile?  Am I gay?  Is having this thought sinful? Do my thoughts about ______ mean that I am that kind of a person? Why do I think about _______(the way I don’t think I should)?  Would a Christian even have this kind of thought?   Don’t I need to spiritually do something to get rid of this “bad” thought? Why do I or don’t I feel _____ (the way that I think I should)?  Have I sinned?  Will committing this sin (or potential sin?) mean I’m going to hell? Does any of this mean I’m going to hell?  Now, let’s put them into some specific buckets (there are more than the below):

You have a thought, doubt, image, urge or gripping fear with doubting your salvation or other spiritual nuances.  You might wonder– am I really a Christian? How can I know that I’m really saved?  Have I sinned?  Am I going to hell? Have I committed the “unforgiveable sin”?  Have I blasphemed the Holy Spirit?  Am I actually forgiven?  Does God _______ (really love, forgive, accept me, etc.)? 

Or you have a thought, doubt, image, urge, or gripping fear that maybe you have harmed someone or were not responsible enough.  Have I harmed someone?  Did I harm someone and forget?  Would I harm someone?  Would I actually harm my child?  If I don’t do ________ does this mean _______?  Was I responsible enough with________?  

Or you have a thought, doubt, image, urge, or gripping fear about your relationship (and find yourself checking your experience with others’ relationship experiences and checking with the person you are in a relationship with for reassurance).  How do you know that you should marry this person?  Are they the “right” one?  Are they “the one”?  Do you really like them?  Do you really love your spouse or do they really love you?   Are we still attracted to each other? 

Or you have an experience that leads to crippling doubt or fear around doing something wrong.  Have I done something wrong?  How bad was it and how bad am I?   What if I cannot remember exactly what I did wrong?  Did I say something offensive?  Have I been 100% honest?  What if I have caused someone else to do something wrong? 

These are just a few categories of what I’m calling “the Gap.”  It is an internal crater between who you are doubting that you are and who you think you should be or uncertainty around an important topic to you.  The experience of the Gap is that of a continuum varying from that of a dripping faucet to a torrential downpour.  Where have you potentially experienced or seen “the Gap” as sufferer or as a helper?  It might be hiding all around you. Let’s continue to explore what makes up this experience of “the Gap.”

On the Bridge:

Grab a cup of your favorite drink and get ready for personal reflection or gracious conversation!  This can be done in a personal or group context. At the end of each blog, there will be a few questions for reflection designed to help you grow as a sufferer or helper as well as to “build bridges” between the two groups around a topic. I invite you to use these questions in a way that works for you whether that be for personal reflection or gracious conversation with other sufferers or helpers (or both!).  Consider others in your life that may need to be educated on a topic and consider ways that you too may also be called to be a “bridge-builder.”

1)     Can you or someone you care about relate to any of the experiences of “the Gap” described here?   What emotions does this give to you as a struggler or helper? 

2)     What is your own experience of “the Gap” as a sufferer or a helper?

3)     How does “the Gap” possibly give you an accessible initial framework for OCD as a sufferer or helper?  What are you now possibly curious about?