“The Gap” of OCD (Part Two)
In Part One, we discussed the experience of “the gap” of OCD. You may feel irresponsible and be gripped with terror if you do not “close” this “gap.” It is an internal crater between what is certain and what is not or between who you fear yourself to be and who you desire yourself to be or who you think God desires you to be. You feel responsible for having certain thoughts, images, doubts, or urges and feel responsible for understanding them and getting rid of them. And maybe you have tried. You’ve tried confessing, tried praying, maybe even tried researching for answers from Scripture, tried talking about it with others, maybe journaled, or even gone to counseling. But you are beginning to feel stuck on a chronic loop. And it’s one that others in your life—even those with the best intentions of being helpful, even in spiritual ways— are either helplessly riding along with you or unknowingly pulling you into or feeding into.
It feels irresponsible or terrifying or immoral or unchristian, (to both you and potentially the one who is trying to “help” you) to not get rid of the thought, image, or urge. And maybe you’ve even been told that by someone in the Church. You might have been told to “take every thought captive,” and you feel like a bad Christian for having such thoughts, doubts, images, or urges. You don’t know what to do about them or if there is anything to be done about them. You may also feel an incredible amount of shame (i.e. shame meaning “I am bad”). What you really really care about- being a Christian, being a good Christian, not going to hell, not hurting others (physically or emotionally), not sexually sinning, being honest, having a good or godly relationship, being responsible, etc.… is the very thing that you are doubting and questioning. You may feel like an internal war rages in your mind.
What do we normally do with our experience of the Gap? It is a painful experience wrought with fear, shrinking your world down to the size of your fear and to whatever you need to do to fill the gap. It might feel like an endless quest to fill something that is only temporarily filled. Because whatever you fill it with (i.e. confessing, asking for reassurance, praying, analyzing, reassuring yourself, mentally reviewing, discussing with others, etc.) is never actually enough. The Gap always comes back.
I have had my own 25-year journey with the Gap, and it is something that I continue taking daily steps of freedom in, in my own story today. I have experienced a continuum of the Gap from annoying to crippling—some gaping fears that threatened to swallow me and sometimes felt like they were going to literally suck the life out of me—fears between who I really fear I am and who I want to make sure that I am.
I first started experiencing my own Gap when I was around the age of 11. I was doubting whether or not I was a Christian due to not having a “specific day of salvation” that I could definitively point to, having had the privilege of growing up in a Christian home where I did not know a day without Jesus. I went through a season of agony for several years in my regular night-time routine doubting whether or not I was a Christian,seeking reassurance from my dad, re-praying salvation prayers, etc.… This felt like the responsible and Christian thing to do. Later I would have other doubts about whether or not I had sinned and would obsess over having to confess everything (any known or potentially known sin, temptation, thought to sin, or “bad” or “sinful” thoughts). In my teen years, I continued to wrestle with various spiritual themes like confessing my sins, obsessing over nuances of sanctification, etc. What would seem spiritually encouraging to others in the same room could cause internal turmoil and analysis for me (i.e. the verse “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” in 1 Jn 1:9 I interpreted as having to perfectly remember and confess any and all sin or potential sin…you can imagine how that went!).
The most distressing and long-standing experience of the Gap for me was in fearing whether or not I was a pedophile or a sexual pervert when I was a pre-teen, teenager, and young adult. I experienced intrusive sexual thoughts, images, and plaguing questions that lead me to question if I was sexually pure, if I was a sexual pervert, if I was a pedophile, and if I could go to jail. I had ebbs and flows of self-analysis to determine my level of remembering and understanding, seeking 100% understanding and certainty. This was all amplified by the many contexts in which I found myself being trained in and caring for children and pursuing degrees and internships that involved working with and counseling others. Triggers in these various experiences were immense and felt incredibly isolating and crippling.
Another experience of the Gap was when I had an ongoing fear of harming others physically or emotionally—this manifested as the fear of being a pedophile as mentioned above but also manifested when I volunteered for a year at a local children’s hospital in early years of college. Later on, I experienced an enslaving, high sense of responsibility as a young, new counselor out of grad school afraid of not asking the “right” question or documenting a session perfectly in a way that would “harm” a client.
Also, as a young adult, I experienced gripping fear around uncertainties within dating and a high sense of responsibility around doing it “right” and marrying the “right” person. After experiencing some trauma in this area in my early 30s, there was now an extra layer of uncertainty and doubt that my mind would understandably latch onto in regard to dating and marriage. The need for certainty around having married the “right” person even sometimes became triggered in my new marriage just because I was now married—normal marriage moments became opportunities for intrusive doubts about if I had married the “right” one.
Throughout my whole life, I have experienced a high need to be perfectly responsible as well as 100% certain about anything that was important to me, as seen in the above examples. My experience of the Gap has been one of isolation and shame. I experienced a felt sense of shame as a regular way of life. To outsiders I looked “normal,” but inside my mind was often fighting a war that felt like it was eating me alive. I felt enslaved and trapped and was not sure how to talk about it with others. Perhaps you relate to my experiences of the gap either for yourself or someone you care about.
I still have experiences of the “gap,” but I now have a more healed response to uncertainties or doubts if they come up. Developing a different relationship with uncertainty and “the gap” as a sufferer has been a complex yet beautiful journey that I now share with both sufferers and helpers. Next, we will look at more clinical specifics of this “gap” and how to treat it both clinically and biblically.
On the Bridge:
Grab a cup of your favorite drink and get ready for personal reflection or gracious conversation! This can be done in a personal or group context. At the end of each blog, there will be a few questions for reflection designed to help you grow as a sufferer or helper as well as to “build bridges” between the two groups around a topic. I invite you to use these questions in a way that works for you whether that be for personal reflection or gracious conversation with other sufferers or helpers (or both!). Consider others in your life that may need to be educated on a topic and consider ways that you too may also be called to be a “bridge-builder.”
1) Can you describe the experience of the “gap” of OCD?
2) Are there any specific fears or doubts mentioned here that you relate to either as a sufferer or have seen in someone that you care about?
3) How does knowing another’s hidden struggle with the Gap potentially give hope to an experience of shame that you or someone you care about may be experiencing?